when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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