oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
