Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
this beer tastes like vomit already
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
