I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize