Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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