she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
