woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize