So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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