her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
