Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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