You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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