literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
