Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
