Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
