That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
