My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
