remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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