so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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