I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
