My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
