he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
