Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
