If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
