My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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