there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
