I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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