The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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