I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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