and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize