I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
