so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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