someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
