WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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