when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
