He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
