I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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