I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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