oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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