You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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