so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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