hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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