FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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