Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
