This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
