That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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