what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
