In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
