pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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