This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
