She went from zero to smokin in five shots
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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