..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
