Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize