TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
