1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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