im having a threesome with these popsicles
only you would photoshop your dick
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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