She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
