I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
